Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson in Pakistan - 1

Blunder at first sight

By Abdul Haleem Brohi

The Phone

Sherlock Holmes and myself were discussing the eccentricities of women which they called their jobs, and were laughing our hearts out when the telephone rang. "It must be my wife," Sherlock said, suddenly alert now, "Or her mother?" And then burst into a laughter that went to the highest pitch every time the instrument renewed its ring. I had to laugh along as I was supposed to be Dr. Watson, his sidekick, or his conman, or whatever you have decided to take me for. Suddenly the phone stopped ringing and Sherlock stopped laughing.

"Are you sure, Watson." Sherlock said, reading my thoughts, "That I stopped laughing because the phone stopped ringing? Couldn't it be the other way round? Eh?"

"What would be the other way round, Sherlock?" I asked, and looked in the mirror on the wall. I saw that I had asked wonderingly. 

The Theory

"The other way would be that the phone stopped ringing when I stopped laughing," Sherlock explained, "that is, what is known in the annals of psychology as the James-Lange Theory. James was an Englishman and Lange was a Frenchman, and they had the English Channel and their wives between them to remind them of their nationalities. They gave quite a few examples in support of their theory. For instance, they said, it is wrong to believe that I see a snake, become afraid, and run. The real order of the happening, according to them, would be that I see my wife, run, and then become afraid. They left their mothers-in-law out for some personal reasons."
"And what about the snakes?" I asked, and saw in the mirror that I had asked innocently.
"Would you be afraid of a snake if your wife was in front of you? And which of the two would you kill first?" Sherlock almost shouted at me, and I saw myself quail in the mirror.
"The two fellows meant wife when they said snake," Sherlock said triumphantly, "It was a matter of disguise for them. Only the poor fellows could not say so. They said it was wrong to assume that you get a slap, become angry, and slap back. The real order according to them would be that you get a slap, slap back, and then you get angry."
"No in-laws involved in that slapping business!" I asked confusedly and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked real confused.
"None, and obviously for some personal reasons," Sherlock said, "But the in-laws took the hint and got the theory discarded as a bad hypothesis. I subscribe to that theory, and I do believe that the phone stopped ringing because I stopped laughing,"
It was incredible, so I said, "Is it not incredible, Sherlock!" I looked incredible in the mirror.
"Is it?" Sherlock said and coughed a laugh, ___ and sure as Fundamentalism, the phone coughed a ring and went dead. Sherlock coughed another laugh and the phone coughed another ring! Sherlock gave out two short laughs, paused, and shrieked a laugh, and lo! the phone also gave two short rings, paused, and gave out a shrieking ring! Sherlock then snorted a curt laugh, and the phone snorted a curt ring! Sherlock grunted, and lo! the phone also gave a grunt! Sherlock nodded, so did the phone! Sherlock gave out a long drawn yawn, and so did the phone!
I looked at myself in the mirror and did not like the foolish look that my countenance had sported to suit the occasion, I decided to rebuke my countenance later at leisure.

Blunder At First Sight

"It is all a matter of viewpoint, Watson," Sherlock said, "I would be right if I say that the phone rings after I laugh, and I would be equally right if I say that I laugh after the phone rings. The concepts of Simultaneity and Instantaneity have no bearing on the Cause-Effect relationship that is the phenomenon we take for noumenon. That reduces the epistemological concept of love-at-first-sight to an absurdity where you invariably locate a mother-in-law pulling the strings of your eyelids from behind the curtain, is it not a surprisingly beautiful world, with the dirty tricks assigned to mothers-in-law?"

Suddenly Sherlock became grim, and his face contorted, "I have blundered in my reasoning, Watson." he said, suffering a remorse, "It could not have been my wife, Nor her mother either, Both ladies of the highest social contacts being equally dead and buried to the delight or relief, I forget which, of those contacts. "A worried look gathered on his countenance and he looked at the phone the way a wife looks at her husband on his pay day. That is, expectantly. 

The Scribe Speaks

I may inform my readers that the events narrated by this scribe here relate to the later period, that is the post-burial period, of the adventures of my friend as he had buried his wife and mother-in-law by then and, due to the ensuing peace and harmony in life yet unrelished by him, had acquired a perfection in the art of detection.

I may also add that while instructing me to be a little more careful in chronicling the post-burial adventures, he had also said, "I wonder if the ladies were really dead when we buried them posthaste! Pray contact the caretaker, get them exhumed, and try to talk to them. If they respond, bury them posthaste! That will get the caretaker some exercise that he needs badly."

I may also inform my readers that his pre-burial adventures were more adventurous than the ones of the post-burial period. "in the pre-burial adventures," he had confided to me, "I had nothing to lose by my life. And in the post-burial period I stand to lsoe my peace of mind as well."

That was then the phone rang impromptu, and Sherlock grabbed the receiver off the hook the way a wife grabs the pay off the husband along with his ears. the phone stopped ringing the way a husband would stop ringing.

The Phone Again

"Yes?" Sherlock said in the mouth-piece, "Yes, I am Sherlock Holmes. Who? The Prime Minister? Of what country? Is that a country? Where is it? In the kitchen? Is it that small a country! I asked the whereabouts of the country, not of the PM or AM. And you call that country? Hello! Hello!"

Sherlock banged the receiver on the cradle and looked at me disgustedly. 

"The phone went limp and dead," Sherlock said bitterly, "A sure sign that the call came from Pakistan, the Fundamentalistan! The only country where the phone goes limp before going dead! We indeed are lucky to have English Channel between us and Europe. Otherwise they by now would have conquered British Isles and would not have known whom to bet on, Hekmatyar or Gulbadin! And they call betting un-Islamic.

"But about that theory, Sherlock?" I asked.

The Theory Explodes

"That James-Lange Theory?" Sherlock said, "That theory, and for that matter any theory, does not apply to a telephone call from Pakistan. The phone was going awry and hectic because Pakistan was trying to contact us. That also explodes the myth of the innocence of mothers-in-law, though how does it do so is beyond me. It is always refreshing to mention mothers-in-law before taking on the next paragraph in what boasts to be a murder story. It lends a touch of macaberesque to the story. Bare mention of a mother-in-law followed by a sudden boooo with a tongue stuck out in mother-in-law fashion has often made sons-in-law bolt through windows and get splashed as mashed potatoes with lots of ketchup on the roads ten floor below."

The Assignment

"And what is the assignment given to your?" I asked.

"The Prime Minister is worried about the way Sindh Chief Minister has been behaving lately," Sherlock said, "And the word lately has all the significance. The Chief Minister is behaving exactly like his predecessor, which would be alright if the predecessor were not dead. He even looks and smells like his predecessor. 

Not like when the predecessor was alive, but like when the predecessor is dead! That is what worries the Prime Minister, That would worry me too if I had to shake hands with him every time I touched Karachi Airport.

I would rather run away then embrace him and get all shook up Elvis Presley style! that reminds me. Did you get the duo exhumed? What did they say?"

"They said they will get even with you and your sidekick," I said,

"Did they say when?" He asked. 

""No," I said, " They are secretive as ever, I buried them posthaste."

"Hmmmmmm!" Sherlock said. "Hmmmmmm" Sherlock said to make the first Hmmmmmm meaningful.

Aboard a Plane to Karachi

Sherlock said: "The Prime Minister of Pakistan was speaking from the kitchen cabinet that he has got installed in his kitchen through the Chairman CDA who happens to be recently placed on the post. The post is staked elsewhere, not in the kitchen. There will have to be a bathroom cabinet of the Prime Minister to accommodate Nawabzada Nasrullah Khan for political stability of the country."

"Who is he?" I asked brilliantly, and looked at a hostess for appreciation.

"He is a Nawabzada." Sherlock said, looking at the hostess, "And that should be enough for you if it has been enough for him!" The hostess smiled at him and the plane swooned.

Sinthd! O' Sinthd!

"Of all the possible Provinces," Sherlock said philosophically, Sinthd was the best that God could create hopelessly. That is what Leibniz thought, wrote, and preached thoughtlessly. And that should be enough for you and Sinthdees. And here we are in Sindthd! The land of Shahs and Sayeds! The land of Muzaffar Hussain Shah if you are with the ruling junta, and the land of Qaim Ali Shah if you are with the opposition! The land of G. M. Syed if you are at the extreme! The land of Ghous Ali Shah if you are at the other extreme! The land of Ghulam Mustafa Shah, R. A. Shah, and Panah Ali Shah, the literate ones! But enough is enough, With zero point something of the total population, they adorn seventy-five percent of the seats in Sinthd Assembly! And fifty percent of the share of Sinthd in National Assembly! Blesses is the land that is blessed by them! How cute of them!

PS 1: I have reproduced this article as I found it in my father's belongings. This was written sometime in early nineties but I have not found a source to confirm the date yet. My sole purpose of reproducing it here is to preserve it in electronic form as he would have wanted it.

PS 2: No change has been made to the original text and the next part would be posted soon.